My eyes followed their every move, my hands moving achingly over my body, moans of pleasure escaped my lips as my body shook in tremors.

“Ada! Ada!”

 I jolted in surprise, extremely displeased by her abrupt call. I ignored it while I continued to fulfill my lust.

“Adaeze!” Mama kept yelling.

Grumblingly, I paused the video, putting my dress in order, and trotting towards the door.

“Mummy, you called me…”

I mumbled in a voice laced with annoyance. 

“What took you so long? Just pick up the remote for me.” Mama ordered gesturing to the dining table.

“But Mommy, the table is just a few feet away from you. Gosh!”, I exclaimed in frustration and anger.

“I’m too tired to walk, just pick it up.” She commanded, feigning ignorance to my pissed-off expressions.

I picked up the remote and handed it over, dashing toward my room to continue from where I stopped. 

“Ada, why are you sweating so much, what were you doing?”, Mama asked suspiciously.

I halted, turning to face her, “I just finished bathing, it’s no sweat.”

I lied through clenched teeth. I didn’t allow her to continue before slamming the door to my room.

“That was close!” I exhaled deeply. I felt heat ravaging my body as I hastily grabbed my phone to continue in pleasure.

“Ah! Finally!” I exclaimed, after everything. I was drenched with sweat, my body all sticky. I looked down at myself and it hit me. Reality hit me. 

I ran into the bathroom, put on the shower, and tried sponging myself clean, I sponged till my milky skin became an all shade of red. I looked at the mirror, my tears mixed with water. I felt unclean and dirty. It hit me that I’m a chronic masturbator.

Memories of how I touched myself filtered into my mind. I fell to the floor drowning in the realization of the truth, guilt held me, as tears kept pouring out.

“What have I done?” I screamed seeing the marks I administered on myself. 

“I can’t help it, it’s beyond me!” I admitted, wailing on the floor.

“Adaeze!” Mama’s voice rang from the room, I got up and turned off the shower.

“Yes Mom” I answered, trying to come up with a clear voice.

“I thought you said you had a bath, what are you doing in the bathroom again? Do you want to be late for church?” She ranted questions consecutively. 

“I did, I’ll be out soon,” I replied, trying to keep a firm voice.

****

“The devil is a crafty personality, he knew that God had placed a mark on his children with his spirit, so he decided to produce his tags and one of them is sexual perversion and immorality. Fornication and masturbation are his most used weapon in the lives of young men and women. He had placed them under the bondage of sexual perversion. My brethren, if you are one of them, know that the devil has power over your life.” 

“Many people live in ignorance thinking such sins are normal—a picture the world has painted to keep many in bondage. The Bible quotes in 1 Corinthians 6:18 that Flee from Sexual immorality, for every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is the temple of God? Why ruin your life with these destroyers?”

“If you’ve noticed that you’ve tried but you can’t just seem to stop yourself from engaging in these sins, then that is proof that you are bound by the devil, but you can break through from his controls today.”

The pastor continued preaching and asked for all the sinners to repent. I laughed within me, remembering how many times I had repented, and between a few mins and days, I had gone back into its lair.

I went back home crestfallen, and as soon as I step into the confinement of my room, I fell and wept bitterly. I never wanted this, I wanted freedom but it was far from me. I cried painfully wishing I could help myself till my eyes fell on my phone.

Once again I had succumbed to the warmth of lust, I trembled on my bed, pleading for help, asking for mercy with guilt burdening my soul.

***

“I’m sorry, I’m very sorry!”. I sobbed holding on tightly to his garments.

I was afraid to look at his eyes, I felt all filthy, not deserving to be close to him but I could not let him go.

“Ada, my dear, my grace is sufficient for you.” He replied in a gentle voice. That voice stirred a lot of emotions, reminding me of my filthiness. I wailed loudly.

 “Jesus, I do not deserve you, how can you forgive me just like that? This is the fifth year I’ve been living like this, how can you forgive me so quickly?”

“What can separate you from my love? I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy on” he said, holding me up to his chest.

“Look at me,” he cooed, I turned away, how can I gaze at righteousness with the same eyes that had watched millions of porn.

“Look at me!” His voice was appealing, compelling me to meet his eyes.

I braced up and looked up, my chest rumbled with cries, he looked ethereal, his eyes puerile with his lips stretched in a radiant smile.

“I love you, I will never leave you, my blood was shed for you and it has washed you white as snow!” He added, caressing my swollen eyes.

My eyes brimmed with tears, different emotions bubbling in my chest, and suddenly he blurted out.

“Will you marry me?” I was surprised at what I heard.

“This filthy me?” I whimpered, seemingly asking myself.

“Yes! Let’s get married!” He sounded more excited than I was.

My whole world stilled, suddenly my black nightgown became an immaculate white wedding gown, he held my hands as we walked down the long lane covered with light, flowers blooming on both sides, like an aisle.

I knew at this minute that I was free for eternity.

Snooooooze!

The alarm bell woke me up, my eyes fluttered weakly trying to adjust to the light streaming from the window. I felt light like a truck had been taken off my body.

I looked around my room and the only words that came out of my mouth were, “Good Morning Husby.”

 I smiled sheepishly with my face beet red like a young teen in love and he replied…

“Good morning my love!”

My heart melted at the sound of his voice!

“Awwwwwn”

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3 Comments

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